When I gave my heart to the Lord in 1987 I committed my self to serve Him. To serve Him without the expectation of position or reward for the rest of my life. When you attempt to do this unfailingly the exact opposite always seems to happen. You always rise in position and people always seek to praise and reward. I find it always very embarrassing but part of the learning curve is learning on how to be gracious. Because of this I have always enjoyed most giving of myself silently and secretly. Of the silent and secret I will say no more, writing of it betrays the heart in which it is done.
Approaching Christmas of 2004, as many of you that have followed this blog or know me personally, know that not everything has gone my way. A few health idiosyncrasies and of course Nicholas needing to be “served” elsewhere for help have really changed the direction of my life and ministry. There are people that feel bad for me or may even pity me. Please do not. I want to tell a little story....
I am not chastising anyone but myself. I had enabled Sonrise to do this and it was my own fault. Several Sunday's a year when church is over (a lot more in the past than now in the present).....everyone flees. We are a portable Church. We meet in a school cafeteria and are blessed to have a shed where we can store our equipment. But the church has to be put away. Holiday's and beautiful day's and rainy day's and no occasion day's, following church...people sometimes just run. I seldom make plans on Sunday. Sunday is church and not only is my commitment great to God but it is great to Sonrise. God has placed me at Sonrise to Serve.
Thank God that with my condition that it always seems to feel that I get Supernatural Power on Sunday Morning. Thank God. But recently it seemed that that Supernatural Power came up short. I do not know why. It was one of those mornings that everyone fled, and even my most trusted helpers were away or nowhere to be found. I always would dig inside and come up with the energy needed but it was nowhere to be found. Instead I found Andrew and Justin and got them to help. Together we packed the shed. That lost energy was replaced though with bitterness. Something as a Pastor in training I see a lot and I know how the Devil uses this tool he has..and here he used it in me.
Later on in the week my energy did not get any better. I do not recall how sick I got but I do recall the words I exchanged with one of my best friends and Mentor Pastor Bill. “Doesn't anybody care? Where does everybody run? Am I the only one that has nothing else to do on Sunday after Church. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the slave to the Church. I'm tired of being Sonrise's Slave!” I have regretted those words every day since I spoke them. I have repented of them and cried tears of shame because they speak the exact opposite of how I feel, the exact opposite of my heart for my Lord and God.
Mark 10 42Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
I have no interest in being first. I have no interest in being great. ( I do tease Bill about being his Boss one day) I do have an interest in pleasing God and have learned to do this with the heart of a servant, Slave of All. The day I spoke those words, despite any way I was compromised physically, I felt I deeply hurt God. I cried all morning today working through this Scripture. My heart is healed. God never heard my words because he knew my heart. Physically sometimes I am not able to serve the Lord in the capacity I did in the past. However, Sonrise is growing and I am learning to equip people to take my place. Hopefully to make them want to be servants in the same way that a certain Head Deacon in my past made me hungry to serve the Lord. But that my friends is another story. Lord Bless.
To give you all a time frame I spoke those words in January of this year.