I have to admit that I have been very frustrated lately. I cannot handle having the inability to do nothing. This in itself to me is failure also. I know it is wrong being unable to accept my plight. I know what is wrong. I am so used to Victory. Victory in all that I do. Victory over HIV. Victory with my wife dying. Victory at work. Victory with relationships. Victory in Ministry. Do not get me wrong. I know where my victory comes from. It comes from having a relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Son, and the Father. To them goes all the Glory in all my Victories.
Well lately not everything has been going my way. I feel 1/100 of the man I used to be and unable to do and serve God in the way that I so desire. Even at my best times now my head is spinning. I have been living with side effects of my disease for so long that suffering has become a normal part of my everyday lifestyle. But I am finding it very hard getting used to being dizzy all the time.
I was hit by a car when I was 9 years old. My head hit a curb. I remember coming home from the hospital dizzy. I was dizzy for a long time. Turns out I damaged my middle ear. This could be the re-occurrence that is going on and being overlooked. I will have to look into taking an antivert...yet another drug to add to my long list of drugs.
I have so been desiring to write here. This will be the last of of these posts. I again want to share the joy that is going on in my life. Not my frustrations. I am 40 years old. My sole desire is to serve the Lord in any form he so desires to use me. But how can I be used laying on my couch at home? I am so grateful to be able to be writing right now! It is actually therapy for me.
Nicholas is having a hard time up at Brisbane. Please pray for him. He has hit 3 boys in the past two weeks. It is not good. It is probably contributing to my high blood pressure, depression, and anxiety. I know God tells us not to be anxious. Look at the birds they worry about nothing for he provides for them. His answer to anxiety is : Don't Be. I know that...and I take it.
This weekend Bill preached one of my favorite passages. Acts 12:5. Peter was in jail and the church never ceased praying for him. Originally I was supposed to preach this chapter and verse but God had other plans. I loved how Bill approached this verse. He used P.U.S.H. ; Pray until something happens. And that is what I have been doing since Sunday. I wish to be released from my cell. Trapped in my dizziness. My blood pressure is fine right now, yet I am still dizzy. I cannot explain. But I will continue to pray. PUSH.
I really hope I do not sound like a wet rag. I am grateful to have Christ in my life and if dizziness is meant to be then I will learn to live with it. We used to joke that I was the Dopey of the 7 dwarfs. We will have to add an eighth. Dizzy.
God is Good. Always! I love You All.